New to Me, New to You

A new post. Haven't had one in nearly a month. Here goes...

I cannot tell you all the things that are going to now. I have come to realize that I have this tendency to get these ideas for "huge" project-type things that will keep me busy for a few days, but after that, I lose interest.

Here's a few that have stuck:
1. Working on starting a charity to help needy pregnant women and families. Have a long way to go still, but a little help goes a long way.
2. Going back to school. I thought I never really would. I was thinking to myself one day, maybe I could go to school full time and live off student loans. Perhaps that would be an answer to me staying at home with my son full time. I actually googled "What happens to student loans when  you die." Lifetime student. Run up the loans. Die. Never pay them back. Hmmmm... could work, I guess.
3. Next - the biggie - one night, I decided - let's try for a baby. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it will never happen with just one try. Well, here I am 6 weeks pregnant and feeling nauseous about every little smell (and even sound-weird).

So, that's a little of what's been going on. How about you all? 

I Hate Raspberrys!

I absolutely ABHOR the taste/smell of raspberries. So much so I don't even want to look at the word! Does anyone else have particular food issues?

An Outline of Recent Events

 

BabyDaddy – Boyfriend

I haven’t written in a long while and I want to catch up on all that has been happening. I am going to give a brief synopsis of things so this post won’t end up being the never-ending-post.

I. I went to Tennessee, where I am from. This was bad and good in many ways. Bad because I ended up hooking up with an old friend/flame while I was there. This complicated things greatly in my mind and life.

1. It made me compare him (or someone like him) to my boyfriend/son’s father. It made me see the kind of personality someone like him is very compatible with mine. I am so high-anxiety that I need someone “chill” to bring me down a notch. My boyfriend is very high strung and this brings my anxiety up to an unbelievable level.

2. It made me stop and realize how much I have lost myself. After a rough pregnancy, having a child, learning to be a mother, non-stop breastfeeding (first 4 months) and a full-time job, I am no where to be found.

3. It made me miss Tennessee. I realized just how much I am out of my element here in Florida.

4. I had a long, long talk with my grandmother on my way out of town and finally the truth she had been telling me for so long, hit home. My boyfriend and I have been struggling to make things work. I mean, STA-RUG-LING. She reminded me that

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” – Psalm 127:1

I have been living as a backslidden Christian and BabyDaddy is not saved. I have been craving for God in my life for many years and have had many failed attempts to come back to Him. We have been laboring in vain. What I wasn’t sure about now (beginning about the sixth month of our relationship) was, is this the relationship that I want? Is this the person I want to labor with?

She also made me realize that I will never get on the path which leads to God’s purpose for my life until I am seeking Him first and my life is in line with His will. This is something I’ve known, but didn’t want to come full realization of because it’s going to take a lot of hard changes to bring about. I have thought for the last couple of years that even though I am living with BabyDaddy unmarried, surely God sees my heart and knows that we are in a “committed” relationship and it is not sin. Well, ya know, we can’t really bend God’s Word so.

So, it was clear to me; a decision would have to be made out of the following two choices:

1) Stay with BabyDaddy so that Baby can be raised in a two parent household. This would include finding someway to quit having sex until we get married. Can you imagine explaining this to a continually sex-loving 30 something year old man who doesn’t really feel God's pull for these things like I do? And there’s the decision of do I even WANT to get married again? It didn’t go so well the first time.

2) We can separate and not have to worry about all these things. The things we WILL have to worry about in this scenario are monumental, in my opinion. I'm not sure that I should bore you will all the details of this decision. Any readership I possibly have may be lost if I continue to beleaguer you will details. Basically, Baby would not get to see his Dad much if we separated. Also, we both feel very strongly about raising him in an two parent home.

II. To add to everything, upon my return home from Tennessee, BabyDaddy found out that I had been with this guy in Tennessee. I eventually told him EVERYTHING. Needless to say, he was very angry and upset.

I returned feeling extremely confused about everything because of many reasons. One, I thrive on fun. I just had a plain, old fun time. Of course I did. I was on a mini-vacation. Away from home, away from the baby, no responsibilities, time to just chill. Also, as I said before, it made me question the compatibility of my boyfriend and me more than ever. We are like oil and water. Being with my friend reminded me of some of the good times when I was married. My ex-husband and I flowed together, just as I had with this friend. Now, there were problems, of course, or we wouldn’t be divorced. The first week back from Tennessee, I had to force on myself the fact that the grass is NOT always greener. I know for a fact that this friend is not meant to be a part of my life. He is not for me. I had to let him go.

I was not sure where things stood between me and BabyDaddy – not sure what my feelings were. I came home feeling like we were not going to continue this relationship. I told him we were through.

It also made me realize that I really need to do something with my life. I’m tired of always thinking about it or talking about it to the people I trust. I have just been being carried along in the waves of the sea and going where ever life takes me…physically, mentally, spiritually and morally. It is no wonder that my mind is in chaos. If I have no goals, on intentions, I have none. I’m going nowhere. Being in Tennessee made me get back to my roots. It made me remember what I want in life.

III. BabyDaddy’s reaction to what I did in Tennessee was totally the opposite of what was expected. Initially, he was extremely upset. After a little bit of time though, he had this drastic overhaul of himself. He started changing things that I had been grumping about for almost three years now. He starting cleaning while he was at home with our son during the day. Going out of his way to do things to make life easier for me. Researching and understanding how Aspergers affects me. He started going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up all night playing video games. He gets up around 6 or 7am to wash dishes to get it out of the way before Baby wakes up. He has been more patient with me, more understanding. So many things, I cannot remember. I must say, wow! I have never known a man who is so willing to change himself to make things work out. He has been changing slowly over the last year (i.e. – quitting drinking), but this is unbelievable. He doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me because I know it already. That’s how it should be in a relationship!

I have asked for God’s and BabyDaddy’s forgiveness for the wrong I did in Tennessee. I do not want to be that kind of woman. BabyDaddy is more reluctant to forgive than God, though. He wants to continue our relationship, but is, understandably, having trouble letting go.  We have finally met somewhere in the middle and decided to take it day by day. We are in a “trial” period…trying to see if we can get along good enough to even give it a go. I do not want to be in a relationship with him again unless I am truly committed to this and intend to make it last and follow through to marriage.

The internet and cable got turned off in the last couple of weeks, so we have been without our main source of entertainment. BabyDaddy no longer has his games, I no longer spend hours upon hours wasting time online or in front of the tv. We have started to communicate now. Instead of sitting face to face with our computers, we are now sitting face to face at the dining room table talking.

It is late, I am going to have to continue this later. This brief synopsis has become the never-ending post I was trying to keep it from being

Topics for the next post:

God has been giving me some clear ideas to meditate on in the last month.

1. Sacrifices – Psalm 50 and 51

Heart of Worship – Passion (WORDS – sacrifice)

2. Humility, pride, righteousness (Pharisees had no need for Jesus)

 

“I’m free” – SCC

Jesus, Friend of Sinners – casting crowns

1 Peter 5:6,7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your ANXIETY upon Him, because He cares for you.

Asper-gay?

I am currently working on a theory that may be somewhat controversial.  Here is a sample of the research I am doing. Please leave me some comments about what you think and respond to the polls I have on the right side of my page.

Researchers found that high levels of testosterone in the amniotic fluid of the womb were significantly correlated with autistic-like behavior. Hormones within the amniotic fluid are a product of the baby, not the baby’s mother. “We don’t know if the fetal testosterone is causing the autistic traits or is a by-product of them,” noted the researchers.

 PsychCentral Article

May Be Away For A While

My internet is down for a while, so I will not be able to post much. I really miss blogging. Thanks for all the page views! 

In the mean time, I'd like to suggest some movies for you. 

Where the Wild Things Are - I never read this book as a child, but I loved the movie. There is something so fun, but also eerily creepy about it. I love how they just throw each other around and bash things when they play or argue. Sleeping in a "real pile" was the highlight of the movie for me. I could just feel the security of sleeping under a pile of monsters. This movie was a bit confusing for me; I just didn't get it. Nonetheless, I loved it.

War Horse - This movie was great, but I think I expected too much, so I was a little disappointed.  I loved this horses, but I truly hate seeing all the scenes where they are hurt. It was a good story, but was not a magnificent storyline as expected.


Avatar - We rewatched this movie this week. PHE-NOM-IN-ALL! LOL

Being Elmo - This is a documentary about the muppetteer who "is" Elmo. It is an amazing story of how he knew from a very young age that that is what he loved and he made a career out of it. I wish that I could find something I love so much and follow it through to make a living from it. The drive he had made me jealous. I get bored with things so easily.

Word Wars - I have recently been hooked on word games. This documentary is about 4 guys who are Scrabble pros and it follows them through some tournaments and ultimately to the nationals. I liked this movie because I am addicted to word games!

Game Suggestions - If you love word games like I do, I suggest playing Words With Friends and Word Hero. Word Hero is a game I found somewhat recently. It is an app I downloaded on my Kindle. You play online with everyone else in the world that is playing at the time. They give you a board with random letters and you have to find all the words in can in a short time period. It is so fun. 

I've had SO much going on here lately that has really just been too emotionally draining to write about, so I haven't written in a while. I hope that I can sit down and really get it all out soon. Hope you all are doing well! Leave me a comment if you have some time. 

Thanks! 

Evangeline

 

A Video From a Friend That I Identified With

I wanted to share a post by my friend, Amy. She has a blog named Aspergers & the Alien. It is very good. I have really identified with a lot of her posts.

Amy's Blog 

Research Poll on My Page!

For the ladies: If you click on my blog, you will see a poll set up on the right side of the page. I am doing some research and need my fellow aspie friends help!! Thanks all! :)

No Imagination and Trying to Write a Book

Most of my life, I've had this idea tumbling about in my mind about writing a book. I think about it constantly. Ideas churn around and stir, but never come to fruition. I have a notebook that I scribble notes in. But what would the book be about? 


Usually, I try to figure out a way that I can relate my personal story and perhaps help someone who may be going through something similar. My sister has been wanting to do the same thing. We thought maybe we could collaborate. Then, we thought maybe we could come together with our mom and collaborate on a book about parenting and being a child with Aspergers. I think it is a great concept, but what effect this truth would have on our family... well, I cannot say. There would be a lot of hurt feelings all around. I think I will just continue to write my personal account on this blog. This is the first place I have decided to write openly and honestly with no filters. If my family members read this blog, they have made the decision to do so, but they will have to deal with the words that are being said. I have tried to keep this blog somewhat anonymous, but if I happened to have a book published, well, I'm sure everyone we know would want to have a copy.


After thinking on these things for a few weeks, I finally decided that perhaps I could write a fictional book. I do not want to divulge any details of my ideas, but I think, it is a good concept. I have been brainstorming to myself non-stop to figure out the details.


It's hard to do, because, as I have known since I was a small child, I have virtually no imagination. I do not have to create all of this out of the air because I might be able to base some things on my own life, but I can't even get the basics worked out. I wish I had someone that I could bounce ideas off of. Someone that is creative. 


I will keep working on this. I want to do something with my life. I do not feel the need to make a lot of money, have lots of stuff and/or be famous. I just want to do something that means something.

Stepping Out

It's not that I don't want to leave the house, I do. But sometimes, I just CAN'T. I usually don't have a problem if someone goes with me, but going into an unknown situation by myself, is really not doable. I have missed out on so many things in my life, because when it came down to time to go, I couldn't leave. I have been asked by acquaintances to meet for lunch, or play dates for children, etc., in what would and should be a furtherance of a budding friendship, but I just go ahead and make an excuse. I used to say yes, excitedly, that I was asked to do something outside of work or school. Eventually, I learned to just say no from the beginning because I would end up canceling at the last minute. The acquaintance finally learns that I am not going to take them up on any of the activities that they invite me to do. There goes the budding friendship. They just quit asking and eventually quit trying to be my friend.

Sometimes, I feel deeply connected to someone, for some unknown reason, and I will do my very best to support them in their endeavors or make myself participate in an activity to further the friendship. This weekend, I had one such event. 

I have a friend at work, whom I have been getting to know through work and Facebook. I comment on her posts or pictures frequently, and she does the same. We talk a lot at work and I have really grown to love and respect her. She is such a beautiful and classy woman. Someone that I personally am trying to model myself after. I do not have many girl friends, especially ones that are girly and classy like her. But she is not one of those fake, shallow type women. She is real. 

I was excited to find out several months ago that she is pregnant. She started telling me about the baby shower that her friends were going to throw her. She was really excited about it and would bring in things to show me, like pictures of the color scheme they were going to use for decorations. I didn't really think much about it beforehand, but I never would have thought that she would invite me, because it was her personal shower for friends and family and we are just "work friends."  One day, she showed me the invitation and told me she is getting them ready and she is going to give me one. I was secretly thrilled. She is just one of those people, in my mind, that is on a pedestal, and you want to be better friends with them, but you know you will never be cool enough. Like the popular kids in school. 

When I saw the invitation sitting on my desk the next Monday morning, I felt a shiver of fear. Would I be able to go? 

I asked my friend if men were going to be there, so my boyfriend could come with me. She said he was welcome to come, but there wouldn't be many men there except for hers. I tried to get my sister to go with me, but she wasn't feeling well. If I was going to do this, I'd have to do it on my own.
 
The day before the shower arrived, I was feeling really nervous. I worked tediously on my gift to her: a basket of assorted things, tied up with pretty, curled ribbon and covered with one of those cellophane bags. I wanted to make it beautiful and special for her.


I usually never fix myself up, unless I'm going somewhere special, for several reasons. I get so hot and terribly sweaty. It is like my body cannot regulate temperatures. I never blow dry my hair because I can't stand the noise or the heat and it's bad for your hair. Since my hair is like my security blanket, I do everything I can to keep it healthy and soft. Today, however, I dried my hair, curled it a little (this is a big to-do in our house), and I had to sit unclothed in front of a fan to cool off so I could hope to get some makeup on my face. By the time I cooled off enough, and slapped the makeup on, I had to throw my dress on and rush out the door. 


I did not mention that my friend is very stylish. I, however, am not. I told her that she needed to come and be my personal stylist because I just am clueless. It is strange, though, because I can look at others and tell whether what they have on is stylish or not. I usually just throw something on, anything that's half way clean really.


I tried, I really tried, to look great on my friend's special day. I knew all her stylish friends would be there and if I looked frumpy, they would all look at her like, who is this frumpy girl that you have invited to our inner circle event? I wore a long, brown beautiful dress that I have never been able to wear before. Unfortunately, I didn't have shoes that really looked OK with it, so I just had to wear some stupid sandals. 


I had to speed in the car to get there on time. I was so worried that I would be the last one in and all these beautiful people would turn to look at me, the frumpy girl, and wonder if I've walked into the wrong room. To beat all, I really had no clue where the shower was and I totally forgot the invitation and to Google Map the directions. Thankfully, I asked her on Friday to give me a roundabout idea of where it was. I was doing my best not to panic on the way there.


I arrived a few minutes late, unable to find a spot in the parking garage. I was on the lookout for anyone who looked like they might be heading to the same party so I could tag along with them. Once I finally found a spot in the very back, darkest part of the garage and walked to the elevator, I was out of breath and sweaty. My makeup was not going to be pretty by the time I got there.


Thankfully, I found a couple of ladies on the elevator whom I could walk with. They made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't belong, but whether that was them or me, I really couldn't say. 


When we walked into the event room where the shower was being held, I definitely felt out of place. There were maybe 25 tables with 4 seats each. Many of them were already filled with black ladies. I was the only white woman there. I looked around hoping that I would see someone that I knew. Nobody. I quietly put down my gifts and sat by myself at a table. I felt like they must have been wondering who is this white girl and why is she here! 


Thankfully, someone that my friend and I used to work with came in and asked me to join her table. One lady at the table, used to work with us, but I never met her before she quit. The other lady, none of us knew, but she was a joy. 


I just want to say that I do not state the fact that all these ladies are black for any negative reason, except to allow the reader to feel my own discomfort at being the only white person. The fact cannot be denied that there is still racism alive in the world, and I didn't know who of these ladies may be racist towards me encroaching on their time together.

As I sat at this little table with these four ladies, I had the best time that I have had in a very long time. I was so blessed to be a part of this special event. I really felt more at home there than I have in many, many social outings. It was joyous to talk to other mothers about the joys of motherhood, breastfeeding and pregnancy. I felt overwhelmed at being welcomed into the inner circle of my friend's friends and family. I was absolutely the only person that currently works with my friend that she invited to her shower. I felt really honored because of that. 

As I left, my feet did not touch the ground. I was floating on air. The laughter and joy I shared with about 40 black women that day brought me back to life. I thank God for my friend and for these ladies. I am proud of myself for stepping out and I hope that I will continue to grow and get better. I have more life to live!

I Want to Write

Sometimes I have so many things to say, but when I open up a page to write, my mind is blank. My week has been so busy, I suppose my brain is just full.

Online Tests

A friend shared this link to some tests that her dr. had her take to be diagnosed with Aspergers. I scored a 13 on the empathy test. That ought to tell you something.

http://glennrowe.net/BaronCohen.aspx

Well Written Post From a New Aspie Friend

Emma Black writes her blog, Living With Aspergers Syndrome, and I wanted to share a post. I particularly love this paragraph. It is so true.

"And yes, despite what you think, we feel a great deal.  Peaking emotions watching the Andrex advert is not uncommon.  Aspies often love animals, children, and basically care about any vulnerable beings.   Injustices make us crazy mad, wars make us cry.  We have the world on our shoulders and we feel all the pain and suffering abundantly every day.  Try that coat on for size. "

Here is a link to the full post.

http://virgoansun.blogspot.com/2012/04/is-it-all-lights-and-noise.html?showComment=1335578995009#c5250526714355725748

Why "The Particular Life?"

Why "The Particular Life?" If I had to come up with one word to describe myself, it would be "particular." I have to wear certain clothes, shoes; eat certain foods; have certain silverware; sleep a certain way, etc. I'm not this way on purpose and actually annoy myself greatly. I know some of my fears are greatly irrational, but my mind will not allow me to do things differently without great anxiety and panic.

I would not say that I am a high-functioning autistic person. You may look at me and think that. You might see a calm, collected woman who is struggling a bit to meet her full potential. What you don't see if that I am fighting with myself every minute of the day to keep it together and try to look like a normal person. I am not just struggling...I am finally hitting rock bottom after 30 years of keeping up this facade. The facade is crumbling down.

I desperately need support, understanding and patience. I am finding it no where. I hope that this blog will allow me to somehow find that.

Struggling to Reach the Bottom

You might say I am a hypochondriac. I can’t really remember all the things I’ve thought I had this year. One, I thought I was going blind, but truly that was the dr.’s fault. He told me I had something that I didn’t.  

At the moment, I think I might have breast cancer. I have been having a pain in one breast. Naturally, I scoured the web (while at work, of course, because I cannot wait until I get home) for info regarding this. A pain in only one breast is not good. I read a story about a lady, who was 36, had a pain in her breast and the dr. told her it was nothing. She pressed and pressed different drs. to check her for breast cancer, but they would not because she was only 36. Finally a year later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  

Of course, in my head, I am freaking out. I have heard of people getting it at a young age and dying. Even in their 20’s. It is especially upsetting to me because I am so excited to have another child and breastfeed again. It was truly a wonderful experience. What if I lose my breasts. What if I am unable to have another child. What if I die.

For the first time in my adult life, I truly see the end of my life. I see that I have wasted my life and I have done much of nothing. I have gone nowhere. I have not really made a difference in anyone’s life. I have my son, who is the prized jewel of my life. He is the only “thing” that I have done that matters. 

I try to reassure myself that I am ok. Nothing is wrong and if it is, I will get through like so many other women I have seen in my lifetime. I have this bad habit of picturing a newspaper story of whatever I am panicking about… “Thirty-One Year Old Mother of Toddler Lost to Breast Cancer.” Oh, the people would wail. Not really. They would say, “Who is that? She is no one. She only had one friend – her sister. She did nothing with her life. We are all struggling to reach the top and she struggled to reach the bottom. “  

I have a scheduled appointment with my dr. tomorrow to follow up on the new Wellbutrin I’m taking for anxiety. I will talk to her about it then. Tomorrow is also the appointment with the psychologist to hopefully start on The Road to Diagnosis. I am so nervous. He is going to look me straight in the face and tell me nothing is wrong with me…I’m just in a bad place right now. 

I have always had hope that I could make it through and things would get better. I’m starting to see that this is how it is and I need to find a way to cope with it. I can’t cope with this. I want to give up. Not on life, but on other people’s version of life.

Here at the End of All Things

I keep hearing this phrase in my head. It is from the movie Lord of the Rings. It is so suiting. I feel like I am at the end.

I am to the point where I cannot take it any longer. Work is adding too much stress to my life. I would feel better about it if I was single with no kids. Actually, I wouldn’t. This particular job would not work for me. I need to be able to stay home. I need to be able to keep my own schedule and decide my own work flow.

I cannot function as a normal adult does. Why am I forced to keep up the charade as if I can? I would like to try to ask for accommodations at work, but what I need is not possible at this office. I need an office, or at least a cubicle away from everyone else. Only the “bigwigs” get the offices, of course, and there really isn’t anywhere out of the way that I could have a cubicle. I would like to ask to have the florescent lights overhead turned off, but they also give light to the others near me. And also, I have to be diagnosed first.

Speaking of diagnosis, I have an appointment with the psychologist this Thursday. I am truly horrified. He is not one that specializes in this sort of thing and he is probably going to tell me I schizophrenic or something. I don’t know… That would be fine, I guess. Maybe it would provide me some way to quit work, go to a mental institution, work from home, get on disability, something…anything.

I don’t want to be a grown up any more! I can’t. I cannot do it. I cannot play this grown up game any more. I posted a question on an Adult Asperger's Support Group website asking if people work and if not, how they support themselves. Most responses that they did not work. I don’t understand why everyone else can find a way and I cannot.

I really feel that I have more to do with my life than to sit behind a desk and process papers. I feel like I am called to help children, pregnant women, mothers. I want to help people. I had some ideas, but how to carry it out and support my family while doing it… well, that I don’t know yet.

So, here I am at the end of all things. Is this the end or is this a beginning?

Enchilada Sauce: Catalyst for WWIII

Oh, enchilada sauce. Who knew you were such an antagonizing condiment? My boyfriend usually fixes dinner for us because... well, I suck at cooking. He was making bean burritos and gave the call to come and get it. I was busy doing double duty with my young son and my obsession, cityville. 


He walked into the living room with his plate of burritos and some sauce on top of them. I asked if it was enchilada sauce. ****BOOM****


He went off on me because apparently I had asked him this same question numerous times while he was cooking (if he was using enchilada sauce). I have absolutely no recollection of this. I'm afraid I do this all the time. I will ask a question and in the time it takes someone to answer it, I have forgotten that I asked it and forget to listen for the answer. 


I also have a lot of trouble hearing and if I do hear, most of the time I don't understand. Needless to say, he is constantly having to repeat himself. 


Sometimes I feel so stupid. Sometimes I feel like he needs to get over it, because this is who I am. I have asked him to research Aspergers and being in a relationship with someone that has it. He feels that I should be formally diagnosed before he gets all crazy with reading up on it. I am not sure why that matters. I think he may have read a little yesterday at my most recent prod, but he will not delve very far into it. I think he just doesn't like to sit and read stuff. When I got home from work, he shot a bullet at me from something he had read, "you can't love, so why does it even matter if I try any more?" UGH. 


I really wish that people that don't have Aspergers would quit trying to explain Aspergers. I really, really don't think that you can even begin to understand what it's like...


Even the DSMIV or what ever it is, the official diagnosis criteria for doctors... I personally think it is lacking. Just my personal opinion.


Back to our argument.  His reaction was WAY out of proportion for the event. He has been doing this lately and I am not sure why. He literally went off on me for having to repeat himself a few times. He yelled, screamed, cussed. I didn't understand. I didn't know what was happening. I was scared. 


I honestly just shut down. I couldn't process. I had to just stop what I was doing and go to bed without a word. This was at maybe 6 or 7 pm. I hadn't had dinner. I actually hadn't eaten all day and was starving. I was looking forward to eating and then playing with my son before bed. I had to just go to bed and put the covers over my head like a scared little kid because I didn't know what else to do.


I have tried to talk to him about these things since, but we haven't really gotten any where because he never does anything wrong and I am "crazy" and "ridiculous."


I have my first therapy session in a long time tomorrow. It's with the Employment Assistance Program through work. I hope that I can get some stuff figured out.

Word Salad

Sometimes when someone is talking to me, I hear, what I would say,  a "word salad." It happens a good bit at work when I am answering the phone (customer service type calls). It is very frustrating, confusing and scary. I know they are actually speaking to me in logical words, but I cannot make the words line up together in a normal logical fashion.

Best Laid Plans

I always sit at work in my cubicle every day thinking for eight straight hours about what needs to be done at home. I make lists and lists and lists. And then one more list for good measure. I put them in my purse and leave at 5 with the best intentions. I am gung-ho. Something happens on the way between home and work. Sometimes it might be a little tif with the boyfriend. It might be having to run errands and being tired. Usually, it's just walking in the door and seeing what needs to be done and the enormity of it. Yes, it's gotten out of hand. I just don't know where to start. I am too lazy/tired/upset/frustrated to even get the damn list out of my purse.

I beat myself up nearly every minute of the day for all the things I am not doing. I am not being a good mother. I am not being a good employee. I am not a good housekeeper. I am not a cook - good or bad. I am... what?

I am not going to make excuses. Aspergers. Childhood. I could, but I won't. This is me... all me. My laziness. I am a child in a grown up's body. I do not know how to function in the adult world. I do not know how to get my shit together.

All I want is for my child to grow up and be a kind, loving, good person, have a good life and know, truly know, the love of his mother. 

I know, absolutely, the only reason I have the blessings that I have is because of the grace of God. I have a great job, co-workers, a nice home, a good car, the most wonderful son that someone could ask for, the best friends of ten and more years, a good family. None of that is because of me. If I were left to my own devices, all those good things would not be in my life now. 

Today, I realized that I must have some kind of plan. As someone with Aspergers, I thrive on plans, routines and schedules. I have had no plan... no sense of a purpose. I have just been being carried on the waves of life and whatever I felt like doing at the time...which mostly means sitting on the couch playing cityville which is my current obsession between caring for and playing with my son. Nothing else has mattered. No housework, no sleep, no nothing. Just bare minimum. 

I took a good look at myself today and didn't like what I saw. My son has been my priority since he was born, but I have not put enough action into the priority. Thinking/saying it is one thing, but doing it, even when I'm tired/run down/aggravated, that is another thing.

A long time ago, the Lord gave me help with dealing with my stepchildren (no longer married to their dad). It is hard to explain... it's more of a feeling that I had, but it's something like this... No matter what small or big thing you do for a child, you do it for them, for their entire life. This little thing may impact them when they are 18 or 30. Everything you do for a child matters. So make sure you are doing good things and treating them with love and respect. God was telling me then that I should not take into account my husbands ex-wives when dealing with the children and not resent the children because of their mothers, but love them. That was a life changing lesson. And nearly 10 years later, it is still changing my life.


Today, I am learning that every little thing I do, is going to benefit my son. Even if it is something I doing for myself, like exercising, I benefit my son. If the house is cleaner; if the food is healthier; if the money is budgeted better, it will benefit him. 


I, of course, wrote out my lists today, but I did it differently. Instead, I made real goals and set out my priorities and specifically what actions I can take to make sure they are actual priorities. I had to specifically set goals/tasks for myself daily, weekly, monthly. Now, every day when I get home from work, I will do my very best to not get on the computer. I will spend quality time with my son,  feed him a healthier meal, wash and PUT UP at least one load of laundry and sweep the floors. Every other week, I will give the dog a bath. Once a month, I will have a Big Project Saturday - to do an all day house project, like cleaning up the storage area or hanging photos. 


I know it must seem absolutely ridiculous to "normal" people to have to make a schedule, written down and constantly checked for things like sweeping the floor. Unfortunately, it's normal to me. If I don't have something on the schedule to do, I will do nothing, except what comes naturally, which is whatever I am obsessed with at the time. 


I hope beyond hope that I can hold to these decisions. I am going to take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on myself at first. Huge changes all at once are not good for people like us.



I am ready to quit beating myself up everyday for what seems like normal to me.
 

Thought(s) For The Day

What kind of name is Cleopatra Smith? Seriously.

The Problem with Relationships & Aspergers

There is not enough room in all of the internet to tell of the problems one with asperger's may encounter in a relationship. Lord knows, I have probably seen all of them. I have read that some medical professionals believe that people with asperger's are incapable of forming romantic relationships, getting married and having children. It's simply not true. We have the capability, but the quality of these relationships varies vastly based on the partner's knowledge of ASD, their support of the ASD partner and how much you are both willing to go through to make it work.

The absolute number one problem, in my opinion and experience, is communication. I'll give you a quick run-down of my living situation. I, obviously, have ASD. My boyfriend, whom I will call Hugh, does not. We've been together for about 2 and 1/2 years. We are lucky enough for him to be able to stay home with our son so we don't have to send him to daycare while I work full time. We have had many, many issues, which I won't get into right now, but perhaps one day, I will write more on those topics. 

Tonight, I want to write about the last argument that we've had. It is particularly frustrating to me. You see, I was married previously for 8 years. I have been away from my ex for almost 5 years now. I learned what the relationship rules were then. I followed them as well as I could. In subsequent relationships, I've played by basically the same set of rules. This relationship with Hugh is mind boggling because he is playing by a whole set of different rules...ones that I don't know and don't know how to learn them.


Next week, I will be out of town all week for a work trip. I am very stressed out about this for many reasons. One, I'm out of my comfort zone/routine. Two, I have to ride in a rental van with a work colleague driving. When we've gone before, it was very frightening riding with these people. We can't take our own cars. Three, I have so much to do before I leave. Last one, I promise: I have a bunch of tasks to do on this work trip and I have no idea how to do them and it's a very scary thing to go into this huge project and have no clue what you are supposed to do. This isn't everything, but hopefully you get the picture.


So, this is my last week to get stuff done before leaving. Every day, I have different things that I need to do to make sure I'm ready. I have to kind of over plan b/c of my forgetfulness. Yesterday, my plan was to go to Walmart after work at 4:30 and grab a few things really quickly for the trip and anything else that Hugh may need for him and the baby while I was out of town. I wasn't planning on going for long, just long enough to run through and get the essentials. The problem though: yesterday was Hugh's birthday.

I told him ahead of time that I was planning to go to the store and asked what I could get him for next week.  He replies, "I'm going to take a nap. Do whatever you want." I am not really sure what that means, but ::shrugs shoulders:: ummm, ok. 

I leave work, run to the bank, and I'm at Walmart by 5:00. I run through hustling to grab all the stuff on my list so I can hurry and get home and see Hugh for his birthday, see my sweet baby boy, Jackson, and get this damn bra off! I hate shopping almost more than anything in the entire world. I hate going places by myself. This is not a treat for me. If I could, I would pay someone to do these kinds of things for me, but alas, I am no superstar with an assistant. 

I get home around six, an hour later than normal. Hugh does not come out to help me with the bags from the store. I humph to myself because where I'm from, men run out the door to help a woman with her bags. I sigh and just let it go. I'm used to this from him, after all. I expect to open the door and see Hugh at his computer playing World or Warcraft as normal, but he is in the kitchen. He has his mad face on. I am confused. Happy birthday, I say cheerfully. He says his trademark smart ass, "hmm." When I ask what's wrong, he goes into a tirade about me going to the store on his birthday. Why couldn't I go another night?" "What did I get?" "I am having to cook my own birthday dinner!" It goes on and on. I feel lost. I try to explain that I have to get stuff for my trip; that I'm worried I won't get it all done; that I was trying to help him out by picking up milk and diapers and whatever else he might have needed. He spouts that I don't care and I am wrong. He says, I am always wrong. He yells, why don't I care? 

I tell him that most grown men don't really celebrate their birthdays and it's just another day. I work on my birthday and nothing special happens. I would have been more than happy to make dinner tonight; I was actually planning on doing that. With his yelling, I finally reach my breaking point and I tell him that he is a lady and he gets mad at everything like women do. When I reach this point, I lose all my filters I have learned throughout the years. Having ASD, I have had to learn to not say everything that comes to my mind and to weigh it carefully with things I've heard and said before and people's reactions to those words. I say some really awful things when I'm mad. 

 His reaction to me going to the store on his birthday really puzzles me. I have never been in a relationship with a man that wanted his birthday to be made special. They never expected a card or even a gift. A simple dinner out or even at home, was fine. No expectation to rush right home. If I need to stop at the store, I stopped at the store. How far does this go? If it's Hugh's birthday, is stopping at the gas station out? What if I'm about to run out of gas? What exactly am I missing in that hour I was at Walmart? Bowing down to him? Creating him a ticker tape parade? Waving banners? Running up and down the road shouting that it's Hugh's birthday! 

The very most frustrating thing is, in one breath, he says, "What was so important that you had to go to the store tonight?" Then, in the next breath, it's, "It's not about you going to the store." Well, I'd like to really know what it is about, because you've left me feeling really, really clueless. This is the kind of thing that always leaves me feeling stupid. I can't ever figure out what in the world the other person wants or expects.

As I am in my dark room, sitting on the bed, writing this, Hugh comes in to ask me if I want to watch a netflix movie we have. He is using his regular voice, not the mad voice. We've been arguing about this for 2 straight days, but all of a sudden, it's like nothing ever happened. I am starting to wonder...am I truly the one that is not typical?

Just Smile and Nod

I'm driving to work. I'm rushing, but I'm fine. I'm alone. In my quiet car. 

I scan my key card to get into the door to work and I am instantly assaulted by the florescent lights, the noise, the hustle and bustle. Welcome to the office.

Lots of people hate their job, but I don't hate my job. I hate the things that no one else notices or ever even thinks about. It is affecting my work. Instead of getting 20 files done before lunch like my fellow slacker co-workers, I only did 11. If there were a medal for Slacker of the Year, it would be mine. It's not that I want to be like this,  but the assault on my senses makes me just shut down. I can't focus long enough to meet my quota. Between intermittent work, hiding out in the bathroom and too many smoke breaks, I google "dealing with Aspergers at work." I am trying to find some help. Instead, all I find are links to sites which try to help parents deal with their aspie kid.


I get frustrated, I decide I must write a blog about being an adult with Aspergers and the things I go through every day. Just to get it out because there is no one I can really talk to about these things.


[As I am writing this, my boyfriend is on the couch, watching tv. It is much too loud for my ears and I cannot concentrate. I should have my own remote that controls the volume.]


In preparation for my blog, I must make a list. Lists, lists and more lists! I look around my desk for pad of paper. I don't have a new one, so I head to the supply closet. The only one left is one of those brownish, recycled paper kinds. Ew. No. The paper feels weird and its brown. What will I do! I need a pad of paper NOW! While I'm there, I want to grab another hi-lighter cause last time they ordered some that I really loved. Now, they have a different kind. I want to pitch a fit about them not ordering the same things every time, however, I don't. That is not what responsible grown ups that work in offices do.


A co-worker walks in to make some copies. I am "friends" with her. One of the people that tells me about intimate details of their life while I smile and nod.  I really can't stand to talk to her because she has one of those things about her I can't stand and its all I see. She has those teeth where it looks like she sucked her thumb for way too long into childhood. And people with those teeth usually have this pointed tongue thing going on that I can't really explain. It really bothers me. I just keep looking at the cabinets while she talks so I don't have to see her teeth. She says some stuff, but I don't know how to reply, so I just do my fake laugh and say, "that's funny," which is a move I have perfected over the last 30 years I have been talking. 

Finally I get away and get back to my desk. I suppose I will have to use white, unlined copy paper. I really want a fresh, new pad of paper. My anxiety ripples just underneath my skin. I start writing my blog.