Here at the End of All Things

I keep hearing this phrase in my head. It is from the movie Lord of the Rings. It is so suiting. I feel like I am at the end.

I am to the point where I cannot take it any longer. Work is adding too much stress to my life. I would feel better about it if I was single with no kids. Actually, I wouldn’t. This particular job would not work for me. I need to be able to stay home. I need to be able to keep my own schedule and decide my own work flow.

I cannot function as a normal adult does. Why am I forced to keep up the charade as if I can? I would like to try to ask for accommodations at work, but what I need is not possible at this office. I need an office, or at least a cubicle away from everyone else. Only the “bigwigs” get the offices, of course, and there really isn’t anywhere out of the way that I could have a cubicle. I would like to ask to have the florescent lights overhead turned off, but they also give light to the others near me. And also, I have to be diagnosed first.

Speaking of diagnosis, I have an appointment with the psychologist this Thursday. I am truly horrified. He is not one that specializes in this sort of thing and he is probably going to tell me I schizophrenic or something. I don’t know… That would be fine, I guess. Maybe it would provide me some way to quit work, go to a mental institution, work from home, get on disability, something…anything.

I don’t want to be a grown up any more! I can’t. I cannot do it. I cannot play this grown up game any more. I posted a question on an Adult Asperger's Support Group website asking if people work and if not, how they support themselves. Most responses that they did not work. I don’t understand why everyone else can find a way and I cannot.

I really feel that I have more to do with my life than to sit behind a desk and process papers. I feel like I am called to help children, pregnant women, mothers. I want to help people. I had some ideas, but how to carry it out and support my family while doing it… well, that I don’t know yet.

So, here I am at the end of all things. Is this the end or is this a beginning?

Enchilada Sauce: Catalyst for WWIII

Oh, enchilada sauce. Who knew you were such an antagonizing condiment? My boyfriend usually fixes dinner for us because... well, I suck at cooking. He was making bean burritos and gave the call to come and get it. I was busy doing double duty with my young son and my obsession, cityville. 


He walked into the living room with his plate of burritos and some sauce on top of them. I asked if it was enchilada sauce. ****BOOM****


He went off on me because apparently I had asked him this same question numerous times while he was cooking (if he was using enchilada sauce). I have absolutely no recollection of this. I'm afraid I do this all the time. I will ask a question and in the time it takes someone to answer it, I have forgotten that I asked it and forget to listen for the answer. 


I also have a lot of trouble hearing and if I do hear, most of the time I don't understand. Needless to say, he is constantly having to repeat himself. 


Sometimes I feel so stupid. Sometimes I feel like he needs to get over it, because this is who I am. I have asked him to research Aspergers and being in a relationship with someone that has it. He feels that I should be formally diagnosed before he gets all crazy with reading up on it. I am not sure why that matters. I think he may have read a little yesterday at my most recent prod, but he will not delve very far into it. I think he just doesn't like to sit and read stuff. When I got home from work, he shot a bullet at me from something he had read, "you can't love, so why does it even matter if I try any more?" UGH. 


I really wish that people that don't have Aspergers would quit trying to explain Aspergers. I really, really don't think that you can even begin to understand what it's like...


Even the DSMIV or what ever it is, the official diagnosis criteria for doctors... I personally think it is lacking. Just my personal opinion.


Back to our argument.  His reaction was WAY out of proportion for the event. He has been doing this lately and I am not sure why. He literally went off on me for having to repeat himself a few times. He yelled, screamed, cussed. I didn't understand. I didn't know what was happening. I was scared. 


I honestly just shut down. I couldn't process. I had to just stop what I was doing and go to bed without a word. This was at maybe 6 or 7 pm. I hadn't had dinner. I actually hadn't eaten all day and was starving. I was looking forward to eating and then playing with my son before bed. I had to just go to bed and put the covers over my head like a scared little kid because I didn't know what else to do.


I have tried to talk to him about these things since, but we haven't really gotten any where because he never does anything wrong and I am "crazy" and "ridiculous."


I have my first therapy session in a long time tomorrow. It's with the Employment Assistance Program through work. I hope that I can get some stuff figured out.