BabyDaddy – Boyfriend
I haven’t written in a long while and I want to catch up on all that has been happening. I am going to give a brief synopsis of things so this post won’t end up being the never-ending-post.
I. I went to Tennessee, where I am from. This was bad and good in many ways. Bad because I ended up hooking up with an old friend/flame while I was there. This complicated things greatly in my mind and life.
1. It made me compare him (or someone like him) to my boyfriend/son’s father. It made me see the kind of personality someone like him is very compatible with mine. I am so high-anxiety that I need someone “chill” to bring me down a notch. My boyfriend is very high strung and this brings my anxiety up to an unbelievable level.
2. It made me stop and realize how much I have lost myself. After a rough pregnancy, having a child, learning to be a mother, non-stop breastfeeding (first 4 months) and a full-time job, I am no where to be found.
3. It made me miss Tennessee. I realized just how much I am out of my element here in Florida.
4. I had a long, long talk with my grandmother on my way out of town and finally the truth she had been telling me for so long, hit home. My boyfriend and I have been struggling to make things work. I mean, STA-RUG-LING. She reminded me that
“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” – Psalm 127:1
I have been living as a backslidden Christian and BabyDaddy is not saved. I have been craving for God in my life for many years and have had many failed attempts to come back to Him. We have been laboring in vain. What I wasn’t sure about now (beginning about the sixth month of our relationship) was, is this the relationship that I want? Is this the person I want to labor with?
She also made me realize that I will never get on the path which leads to God’s purpose for my life until I am seeking Him first and my life is in line with His will. This is something I’ve known, but didn’t want to come full realization of because it’s going to take a lot of hard changes to bring about. I have thought for the last couple of years that even though I am living with BabyDaddy unmarried, surely God sees my heart and knows that we are in a “committed” relationship and it is not sin. Well, ya know, we can’t really bend God’s Word so.
So, it was clear to me; a decision would have to be made out of the following two choices:
1) Stay with BabyDaddy so that Baby can be raised in a two parent household. This would include finding someway to quit having sex until we get married. Can you imagine explaining this to a continually sex-loving 30 something year old man who doesn’t really feel God's pull for these things like I do? And there’s the decision of do I even WANT to get married again? It didn’t go so well the first time.
2) We can separate and not have to worry about all these things. The things we WILL have to worry about in this scenario are monumental, in my opinion. I'm not sure that I should bore you will all the details of this decision. Any readership I possibly have may be lost if I continue to beleaguer you will details. Basically, Baby would not get to see his Dad much if we separated. Also, we both feel very strongly about raising him in an two parent home.
II. To add to everything, upon my return home from Tennessee, BabyDaddy found out that I had been with this guy in Tennessee. I eventually told him EVERYTHING. Needless to say, he was very angry and upset.
I returned feeling extremely confused about everything because of many reasons. One, I thrive on fun. I just had a plain, old fun time. Of course I did. I was on a mini-vacation. Away from home, away from the baby, no responsibilities, time to just chill. Also, as I said before, it made me question the compatibility of my boyfriend and me more than ever. We are like oil and water. Being with my friend reminded me of some of the good times when I was married. My ex-husband and I flowed together, just as I had with this friend. Now, there were problems, of course, or we wouldn’t be divorced. The first week back from Tennessee, I had to force on myself the fact that the grass is NOT always greener. I know for a fact that this friend is not meant to be a part of my life. He is not for me. I had to let him go.
I was not sure where things stood between me and BabyDaddy – not sure what my feelings were. I came home feeling like we were not going to continue this relationship. I told him we were through.
It also made me realize that I really need to do something with my life. I’m tired of always thinking about it or talking about it to the people I trust. I have just been being carried along in the waves of the sea and going where ever life takes me…physically, mentally, spiritually and morally. It is no wonder that my mind is in chaos. If I have no goals, on intentions, I have none. I’m going nowhere. Being in Tennessee made me get back to my roots. It made me remember what I want in life.
III. BabyDaddy’s reaction to what I did in Tennessee was totally the opposite of what was expected. Initially, he was extremely upset. After a little bit of time though, he had this drastic overhaul of himself. He started changing things that I had been grumping about for almost three years now. He starting cleaning while he was at home with our son during the day. Going out of his way to do things to make life easier for me. Researching and understanding how Aspergers affects me. He started going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up all night playing video games. He gets up around 6 or 7am to wash dishes to get it out of the way before Baby wakes up. He has been more patient with me, more understanding. So many things, I cannot remember. I must say, wow! I have never known a man who is so willing to change himself to make things work out. He has been changing slowly over the last year (i.e. – quitting drinking), but this is unbelievable. He doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me because I know it already. That’s how it should be in a relationship!
I have asked for God’s and BabyDaddy’s forgiveness for the wrong I did in Tennessee. I do not want to be that kind of woman. BabyDaddy is more reluctant to forgive than God, though. He wants to continue our relationship, but is, understandably, having trouble letting go. We have finally met somewhere in the middle and decided to take it day by day. We are in a “trial” period…trying to see if we can get along good enough to even give it a go. I do not want to be in a relationship with him again unless I am truly committed to this and intend to make it last and follow through to marriage.
The internet and cable got turned off in the last couple of weeks, so we have been without our main source of entertainment. BabyDaddy no longer has his games, I no longer spend hours upon hours wasting time online or in front of the tv. We have started to communicate now. Instead of sitting face to face with our computers, we are now sitting face to face at the dining room table talking.
It is late, I am going to have to continue this later. This brief synopsis has become the never-ending post I was trying to keep it from being
Topics for the next post:
God has been giving me some clear ideas to meditate on in the last month.
1. Sacrifices – Psalm 50 and 51
Heart of Worship – Passion (WORDS – sacrifice)
2. Humility, pride, righteousness (Pharisees had no need for Jesus)
“I’m free” – SCC
Jesus, Friend of Sinners – casting crowns
1 Peter 5:6,7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your ANXIETY upon Him, because He cares for you.