Online Tests

A friend shared this link to some tests that her dr. had her take to be diagnosed with Aspergers. I scored a 13 on the empathy test. That ought to tell you something.

http://glennrowe.net/BaronCohen.aspx

Well Written Post From a New Aspie Friend

Emma Black writes her blog, Living With Aspergers Syndrome, and I wanted to share a post. I particularly love this paragraph. It is so true.

"And yes, despite what you think, we feel a great deal.  Peaking emotions watching the Andrex advert is not uncommon.  Aspies often love animals, children, and basically care about any vulnerable beings.   Injustices make us crazy mad, wars make us cry.  We have the world on our shoulders and we feel all the pain and suffering abundantly every day.  Try that coat on for size. "

Here is a link to the full post.

http://virgoansun.blogspot.com/2012/04/is-it-all-lights-and-noise.html?showComment=1335578995009#c5250526714355725748

Why "The Particular Life?"

Why "The Particular Life?" If I had to come up with one word to describe myself, it would be "particular." I have to wear certain clothes, shoes; eat certain foods; have certain silverware; sleep a certain way, etc. I'm not this way on purpose and actually annoy myself greatly. I know some of my fears are greatly irrational, but my mind will not allow me to do things differently without great anxiety and panic.

I would not say that I am a high-functioning autistic person. You may look at me and think that. You might see a calm, collected woman who is struggling a bit to meet her full potential. What you don't see if that I am fighting with myself every minute of the day to keep it together and try to look like a normal person. I am not just struggling...I am finally hitting rock bottom after 30 years of keeping up this facade. The facade is crumbling down.

I desperately need support, understanding and patience. I am finding it no where. I hope that this blog will allow me to somehow find that.

Struggling to Reach the Bottom

You might say I am a hypochondriac. I can’t really remember all the things I’ve thought I had this year. One, I thought I was going blind, but truly that was the dr.’s fault. He told me I had something that I didn’t.  

At the moment, I think I might have breast cancer. I have been having a pain in one breast. Naturally, I scoured the web (while at work, of course, because I cannot wait until I get home) for info regarding this. A pain in only one breast is not good. I read a story about a lady, who was 36, had a pain in her breast and the dr. told her it was nothing. She pressed and pressed different drs. to check her for breast cancer, but they would not because she was only 36. Finally a year later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  

Of course, in my head, I am freaking out. I have heard of people getting it at a young age and dying. Even in their 20’s. It is especially upsetting to me because I am so excited to have another child and breastfeed again. It was truly a wonderful experience. What if I lose my breasts. What if I am unable to have another child. What if I die.

For the first time in my adult life, I truly see the end of my life. I see that I have wasted my life and I have done much of nothing. I have gone nowhere. I have not really made a difference in anyone’s life. I have my son, who is the prized jewel of my life. He is the only “thing” that I have done that matters. 

I try to reassure myself that I am ok. Nothing is wrong and if it is, I will get through like so many other women I have seen in my lifetime. I have this bad habit of picturing a newspaper story of whatever I am panicking about… “Thirty-One Year Old Mother of Toddler Lost to Breast Cancer.” Oh, the people would wail. Not really. They would say, “Who is that? She is no one. She only had one friend – her sister. She did nothing with her life. We are all struggling to reach the top and she struggled to reach the bottom. “  

I have a scheduled appointment with my dr. tomorrow to follow up on the new Wellbutrin I’m taking for anxiety. I will talk to her about it then. Tomorrow is also the appointment with the psychologist to hopefully start on The Road to Diagnosis. I am so nervous. He is going to look me straight in the face and tell me nothing is wrong with me…I’m just in a bad place right now. 

I have always had hope that I could make it through and things would get better. I’m starting to see that this is how it is and I need to find a way to cope with it. I can’t cope with this. I want to give up. Not on life, but on other people’s version of life.

Here at the End of All Things

I keep hearing this phrase in my head. It is from the movie Lord of the Rings. It is so suiting. I feel like I am at the end.

I am to the point where I cannot take it any longer. Work is adding too much stress to my life. I would feel better about it if I was single with no kids. Actually, I wouldn’t. This particular job would not work for me. I need to be able to stay home. I need to be able to keep my own schedule and decide my own work flow.

I cannot function as a normal adult does. Why am I forced to keep up the charade as if I can? I would like to try to ask for accommodations at work, but what I need is not possible at this office. I need an office, or at least a cubicle away from everyone else. Only the “bigwigs” get the offices, of course, and there really isn’t anywhere out of the way that I could have a cubicle. I would like to ask to have the florescent lights overhead turned off, but they also give light to the others near me. And also, I have to be diagnosed first.

Speaking of diagnosis, I have an appointment with the psychologist this Thursday. I am truly horrified. He is not one that specializes in this sort of thing and he is probably going to tell me I schizophrenic or something. I don’t know… That would be fine, I guess. Maybe it would provide me some way to quit work, go to a mental institution, work from home, get on disability, something…anything.

I don’t want to be a grown up any more! I can’t. I cannot do it. I cannot play this grown up game any more. I posted a question on an Adult Asperger's Support Group website asking if people work and if not, how they support themselves. Most responses that they did not work. I don’t understand why everyone else can find a way and I cannot.

I really feel that I have more to do with my life than to sit behind a desk and process papers. I feel like I am called to help children, pregnant women, mothers. I want to help people. I had some ideas, but how to carry it out and support my family while doing it… well, that I don’t know yet.

So, here I am at the end of all things. Is this the end or is this a beginning?

Enchilada Sauce: Catalyst for WWIII

Oh, enchilada sauce. Who knew you were such an antagonizing condiment? My boyfriend usually fixes dinner for us because... well, I suck at cooking. He was making bean burritos and gave the call to come and get it. I was busy doing double duty with my young son and my obsession, cityville. 


He walked into the living room with his plate of burritos and some sauce on top of them. I asked if it was enchilada sauce. ****BOOM****


He went off on me because apparently I had asked him this same question numerous times while he was cooking (if he was using enchilada sauce). I have absolutely no recollection of this. I'm afraid I do this all the time. I will ask a question and in the time it takes someone to answer it, I have forgotten that I asked it and forget to listen for the answer. 


I also have a lot of trouble hearing and if I do hear, most of the time I don't understand. Needless to say, he is constantly having to repeat himself. 


Sometimes I feel so stupid. Sometimes I feel like he needs to get over it, because this is who I am. I have asked him to research Aspergers and being in a relationship with someone that has it. He feels that I should be formally diagnosed before he gets all crazy with reading up on it. I am not sure why that matters. I think he may have read a little yesterday at my most recent prod, but he will not delve very far into it. I think he just doesn't like to sit and read stuff. When I got home from work, he shot a bullet at me from something he had read, "you can't love, so why does it even matter if I try any more?" UGH. 


I really wish that people that don't have Aspergers would quit trying to explain Aspergers. I really, really don't think that you can even begin to understand what it's like...


Even the DSMIV or what ever it is, the official diagnosis criteria for doctors... I personally think it is lacking. Just my personal opinion.


Back to our argument.  His reaction was WAY out of proportion for the event. He has been doing this lately and I am not sure why. He literally went off on me for having to repeat himself a few times. He yelled, screamed, cussed. I didn't understand. I didn't know what was happening. I was scared. 


I honestly just shut down. I couldn't process. I had to just stop what I was doing and go to bed without a word. This was at maybe 6 or 7 pm. I hadn't had dinner. I actually hadn't eaten all day and was starving. I was looking forward to eating and then playing with my son before bed. I had to just go to bed and put the covers over my head like a scared little kid because I didn't know what else to do.


I have tried to talk to him about these things since, but we haven't really gotten any where because he never does anything wrong and I am "crazy" and "ridiculous."


I have my first therapy session in a long time tomorrow. It's with the Employment Assistance Program through work. I hope that I can get some stuff figured out.

Word Salad

Sometimes when someone is talking to me, I hear, what I would say,  a "word salad." It happens a good bit at work when I am answering the phone (customer service type calls). It is very frustrating, confusing and scary. I know they are actually speaking to me in logical words, but I cannot make the words line up together in a normal logical fashion.

Best Laid Plans

I always sit at work in my cubicle every day thinking for eight straight hours about what needs to be done at home. I make lists and lists and lists. And then one more list for good measure. I put them in my purse and leave at 5 with the best intentions. I am gung-ho. Something happens on the way between home and work. Sometimes it might be a little tif with the boyfriend. It might be having to run errands and being tired. Usually, it's just walking in the door and seeing what needs to be done and the enormity of it. Yes, it's gotten out of hand. I just don't know where to start. I am too lazy/tired/upset/frustrated to even get the damn list out of my purse.

I beat myself up nearly every minute of the day for all the things I am not doing. I am not being a good mother. I am not being a good employee. I am not a good housekeeper. I am not a cook - good or bad. I am... what?

I am not going to make excuses. Aspergers. Childhood. I could, but I won't. This is me... all me. My laziness. I am a child in a grown up's body. I do not know how to function in the adult world. I do not know how to get my shit together.

All I want is for my child to grow up and be a kind, loving, good person, have a good life and know, truly know, the love of his mother. 

I know, absolutely, the only reason I have the blessings that I have is because of the grace of God. I have a great job, co-workers, a nice home, a good car, the most wonderful son that someone could ask for, the best friends of ten and more years, a good family. None of that is because of me. If I were left to my own devices, all those good things would not be in my life now. 

Today, I realized that I must have some kind of plan. As someone with Aspergers, I thrive on plans, routines and schedules. I have had no plan... no sense of a purpose. I have just been being carried on the waves of life and whatever I felt like doing at the time...which mostly means sitting on the couch playing cityville which is my current obsession between caring for and playing with my son. Nothing else has mattered. No housework, no sleep, no nothing. Just bare minimum. 

I took a good look at myself today and didn't like what I saw. My son has been my priority since he was born, but I have not put enough action into the priority. Thinking/saying it is one thing, but doing it, even when I'm tired/run down/aggravated, that is another thing.

A long time ago, the Lord gave me help with dealing with my stepchildren (no longer married to their dad). It is hard to explain... it's more of a feeling that I had, but it's something like this... No matter what small or big thing you do for a child, you do it for them, for their entire life. This little thing may impact them when they are 18 or 30. Everything you do for a child matters. So make sure you are doing good things and treating them with love and respect. God was telling me then that I should not take into account my husbands ex-wives when dealing with the children and not resent the children because of their mothers, but love them. That was a life changing lesson. And nearly 10 years later, it is still changing my life.


Today, I am learning that every little thing I do, is going to benefit my son. Even if it is something I doing for myself, like exercising, I benefit my son. If the house is cleaner; if the food is healthier; if the money is budgeted better, it will benefit him. 


I, of course, wrote out my lists today, but I did it differently. Instead, I made real goals and set out my priorities and specifically what actions I can take to make sure they are actual priorities. I had to specifically set goals/tasks for myself daily, weekly, monthly. Now, every day when I get home from work, I will do my very best to not get on the computer. I will spend quality time with my son,  feed him a healthier meal, wash and PUT UP at least one load of laundry and sweep the floors. Every other week, I will give the dog a bath. Once a month, I will have a Big Project Saturday - to do an all day house project, like cleaning up the storage area or hanging photos. 


I know it must seem absolutely ridiculous to "normal" people to have to make a schedule, written down and constantly checked for things like sweeping the floor. Unfortunately, it's normal to me. If I don't have something on the schedule to do, I will do nothing, except what comes naturally, which is whatever I am obsessed with at the time. 


I hope beyond hope that I can hold to these decisions. I am going to take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on myself at first. Huge changes all at once are not good for people like us.



I am ready to quit beating myself up everyday for what seems like normal to me.