Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Struggling to Reach the Bottom

You might say I am a hypochondriac. I can’t really remember all the things I’ve thought I had this year. One, I thought I was going blind, but truly that was the dr.’s fault. He told me I had something that I didn’t.  

At the moment, I think I might have breast cancer. I have been having a pain in one breast. Naturally, I scoured the web (while at work, of course, because I cannot wait until I get home) for info regarding this. A pain in only one breast is not good. I read a story about a lady, who was 36, had a pain in her breast and the dr. told her it was nothing. She pressed and pressed different drs. to check her for breast cancer, but they would not because she was only 36. Finally a year later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  

Of course, in my head, I am freaking out. I have heard of people getting it at a young age and dying. Even in their 20’s. It is especially upsetting to me because I am so excited to have another child and breastfeed again. It was truly a wonderful experience. What if I lose my breasts. What if I am unable to have another child. What if I die.

For the first time in my adult life, I truly see the end of my life. I see that I have wasted my life and I have done much of nothing. I have gone nowhere. I have not really made a difference in anyone’s life. I have my son, who is the prized jewel of my life. He is the only “thing” that I have done that matters. 

I try to reassure myself that I am ok. Nothing is wrong and if it is, I will get through like so many other women I have seen in my lifetime. I have this bad habit of picturing a newspaper story of whatever I am panicking about… “Thirty-One Year Old Mother of Toddler Lost to Breast Cancer.” Oh, the people would wail. Not really. They would say, “Who is that? She is no one. She only had one friend – her sister. She did nothing with her life. We are all struggling to reach the top and she struggled to reach the bottom. “  

I have a scheduled appointment with my dr. tomorrow to follow up on the new Wellbutrin I’m taking for anxiety. I will talk to her about it then. Tomorrow is also the appointment with the psychologist to hopefully start on The Road to Diagnosis. I am so nervous. He is going to look me straight in the face and tell me nothing is wrong with me…I’m just in a bad place right now. 

I have always had hope that I could make it through and things would get better. I’m starting to see that this is how it is and I need to find a way to cope with it. I can’t cope with this. I want to give up. Not on life, but on other people’s version of life.

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