Monday, April 2, 2012

Best Laid Plans

I always sit at work in my cubicle every day thinking for eight straight hours about what needs to be done at home. I make lists and lists and lists. And then one more list for good measure. I put them in my purse and leave at 5 with the best intentions. I am gung-ho. Something happens on the way between home and work. Sometimes it might be a little tif with the boyfriend. It might be having to run errands and being tired. Usually, it's just walking in the door and seeing what needs to be done and the enormity of it. Yes, it's gotten out of hand. I just don't know where to start. I am too lazy/tired/upset/frustrated to even get the damn list out of my purse.

I beat myself up nearly every minute of the day for all the things I am not doing. I am not being a good mother. I am not being a good employee. I am not a good housekeeper. I am not a cook - good or bad. I am... what?

I am not going to make excuses. Aspergers. Childhood. I could, but I won't. This is me... all me. My laziness. I am a child in a grown up's body. I do not know how to function in the adult world. I do not know how to get my shit together.

All I want is for my child to grow up and be a kind, loving, good person, have a good life and know, truly know, the love of his mother. 

I know, absolutely, the only reason I have the blessings that I have is because of the grace of God. I have a great job, co-workers, a nice home, a good car, the most wonderful son that someone could ask for, the best friends of ten and more years, a good family. None of that is because of me. If I were left to my own devices, all those good things would not be in my life now. 

Today, I realized that I must have some kind of plan. As someone with Aspergers, I thrive on plans, routines and schedules. I have had no plan... no sense of a purpose. I have just been being carried on the waves of life and whatever I felt like doing at the time...which mostly means sitting on the couch playing cityville which is my current obsession between caring for and playing with my son. Nothing else has mattered. No housework, no sleep, no nothing. Just bare minimum. 

I took a good look at myself today and didn't like what I saw. My son has been my priority since he was born, but I have not put enough action into the priority. Thinking/saying it is one thing, but doing it, even when I'm tired/run down/aggravated, that is another thing.

A long time ago, the Lord gave me help with dealing with my stepchildren (no longer married to their dad). It is hard to explain... it's more of a feeling that I had, but it's something like this... No matter what small or big thing you do for a child, you do it for them, for their entire life. This little thing may impact them when they are 18 or 30. Everything you do for a child matters. So make sure you are doing good things and treating them with love and respect. God was telling me then that I should not take into account my husbands ex-wives when dealing with the children and not resent the children because of their mothers, but love them. That was a life changing lesson. And nearly 10 years later, it is still changing my life.

Today, I am learning that every little thing I do, is going to benefit my son. Even if it is something I doing for myself, like exercising, I benefit my son. If the house is cleaner; if the food is healthier; if the money is budgeted better, it will benefit him. 

I, of course, wrote out my lists today, but I did it differently. Instead, I made real goals and set out my priorities and specifically what actions I can take to make sure they are actual priorities. I had to specifically set goals/tasks for myself daily, weekly, monthly. Now, every day when I get home from work, I will do my very best to not get on the computer. I will spend quality time with my son,  feed him a healthier meal, wash and PUT UP at least one load of laundry and sweep the floors. Every other week, I will give the dog a bath. Once a month, I will have a Big Project Saturday - to do an all day house project, like cleaning up the storage area or hanging photos. 

I know it must seem absolutely ridiculous to "normal" people to have to make a schedule, written down and constantly checked for things like sweeping the floor. Unfortunately, it's normal to me. If I don't have something on the schedule to do, I will do nothing, except what comes naturally, which is whatever I am obsessed with at the time. 

I hope beyond hope that I can hold to these decisions. I am going to take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on myself at first. Huge changes all at once are not good for people like us.

I am ready to quit beating myself up everyday for what seems like normal to me.

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